Sunday, January 16, 2011

I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am.

The most famous question is who I am, or who I was. I remember who I was, does that change who I am now? I'm a full time mom, and wife. All I do, I do for them. I can't remember the last time I thought about me, or what I wanted. I don't remember what my favorite things are, what I really enjoyed doing, or even the friends that swore they'd always be there. Sort of feels like amnesia of things that was in my life not even a year ago. I can't remember the last time I seriously enjoyed just being "Meghan". I love my life as a mom or wife, but I don't remember my life as Meghan. I remember being 5 and becoming a sibling to my brother Brad. I remember all the dreams I had when I was a kid, none of which I've ever fulfilled. I used to want to be a writer, I remember being in Kindergarten and my Christmas break I asked my teacher for a writing pad so I could write her stories while I was gone. Where'd that kid go? The kid who didn't care about anything, just about what she could put on paper. I remember being 10 and watching my parents divorce. I think that's when all the dreams went away. What kid wants to dream when they're world is being ripped apart? Certainly not I. I remember moving so many times and losing everything that used to be important, guess I really don't need all that now huh? I guess that's why I just depended on myself because that was one thing I thought I couldn't lose, but turns out that's quite the opposite. I remember being in 10th grade, just turned 15. My dad remarried and I got two new siblings who happen to be girls and I can see all the dreams they had. We all become a family and turns out that the youngest girl wants to be just like me. I'm not a role model, but I knew who I was then. I gained another little brother who became my better half, he was everything I wanted to be. He was young, innocent, and carefree. Welcome to the real world, where none of that happens anymore. The life that I had wasn't easy, but then again I'm sure people had it worse than I did. I've always been determined to make something out of myself, but how can I make something out of myself if I still can't find who I am. I don't think people understand how easy it is to hide behind make up, fake smiles, or even fake laughs. It's easy to paint a happy life, or a happy person. It's easy to pretend the world is on your side, but what happens when everything begins to fall apart? I know the saying "God wouldn't give you more than what you can handle", but sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much. Someday's I want to be that little girl who used to push boys around, play with barbie's, go to basketball games, be a daddy's little girl, jump on the bed even when I knew better, pick on my brother as he grows up, pushed all my chores off so I can go play with my friends, and at the end of the day remember exactly who I was. I know i'm 21 with no college education, I work 40 hours a week sometimes m ore, I'm a mom at every beck and call to a two month old, and i'm a wife who makes sure the house is clean and her husband is content and happy at anytime. Now that i'm a mother and a wife, I stopped thinking about who I was, and who I wanted to be. Case in point where we ran into this problem of trying to remember who I was. I was confident and secure in who I was, funny how things like that can change. I'm now insecure with no self-confidence. I used to think everything I did was excellent by all standards, now I feel like everything I do is nothing to everyone. I always put myself first, and now i'm dead last. I used to respect myself and have everyone respect me, and it seems as if that means nothing to anyone anymore. It feels as if everyone comes together and says "lets just walk all over her, we know the shape she's in". I just want someone to think about me first, put what I need and want aside from all the things they want. I just want to find myself again, because it feels as if that person has permanently gone away and i'm stuck trying to find all the pieces. Maybe eventually i'll remember who I am, until then I'm still mommy and wife and that's what I've got to be.

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